Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Faith, and how it helps me choose joy in the journey!
Saturday, November 9, 2013
5 Years ago!
11/09/08 4 years ago..11/09/12
PART ONE
The recent one 11/4/12
Well, I never really wrote anything down about my last surgery, so I figured it was time, for memory sake. I didn't have to be to the Hospital until 1, so I had the morning to finish getting things prepared. Once we got there it took awhile until they started. They got me in my gown, took my vitals, talked to the doctor and then I laid their waiting for my operating room to be ready for me. It was nice to talk to the doctor before hand. He answered lots of my questions and at the time said that after this surgery I should be able to do in office procedures on my eyes from here on out. He looked at a stack of pictures of me that he asked me to bring before hand. He said he would keep them and blow them up in the operating room so while they improve everything they can make me look like Cari as much as they can while they are in there. I guess it also helps them to know where more bone is missing.
Bill was with me until they had me go back for surgery. The only problem was they had me on the hospital bed without Bill forever. In fact I was waiting right outside the door of my operating room while they were finishing up with another patient. The anesthesiologist came and talked to me, my doctor came and took pictures of me and drew on my face with a beautiful purple marker and I just laid there until they were ready for me. It was finally my turn and the next thing you know I'm waking up!
The first 3 or 4 days I couldn't see at all. My eye were bandaged up, which I wasnt exactly expecting so I laid there bored, with no tv or anything, well I take that back I did have PAIN! It was really rough. I had strict rules, NO sleeping on my side, NO sleeping with the head turned on the side PLUS I had to be raised up with 3 pillows at all times to help the swelling. The first night seemed like it lasted forever. I was in so much pain and I couldn't even sleep.
The next morning Bill had to run Kyle to school since he still had his broken arm and he told me he would be back in 5! Well those were the worst 5 minutes of my life as a mother. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It started out seeeming easy, the girls in my room lying by me watching cartoons. Well, that was just how it started. Now, let me remind you I have NO eyesight at this point and Im not even supposed to get up on my own. Ok, so Kyn asks for milk. I say, "Im sorry sweetie, but you will have to wait until dad gets back, I cant get that for you." She starts to cry. Then, the doorbell rings. I tell the girls to stay and let it go. DO NOT MOVE, well that didnt go over very well. Kaylee took off running and I hear her answer the door. Lucky for me it was just fed ex dropping off a pkg. Then she came back and I tell the girls, "You have to stay here, until dad gets back." SO then, Kay takes off and I hear the front door open. I am just about to get down on my knees to track her down, when Bill gets home! After I made sure he knew to never leave me again until I could see, I realized we had survived and at that point was all that mattered.
After being home a few days I unfortunately passed out. Bill had helped me to the bathroom and as I was sitting on the toilet(no need to read further if you dont want the dirty details) and I told him I felt like I was going to pass out. I say that often, so nothing to scary but then he said I followed through with it. He said it was a little weird because I arched my back and then fell towards the back corner. He was worried about my head since I have holes in my skull and very thin spots from my last surgery, so he protected my head. When I woke up I couldn't hear anything and could see Bill yelling at me. Then I heard him yelling, "Cari, Cari" Bill said I was out for about a minute and when I woke up I was laying in a pile of urine and my fingers were sticking straight out, I couldn't bend them for like 15 mins. Bill wanted to get me up in the bath but I couldn't move I was so weak. After about 15 minutes he got me in the bath. I feel so lucky to have someone like Bill taking such good care of me. I think I add a lot of stress to that poor mans life. I wish he didnt have to go through all of this with me.
Once I was able to get the bandages off I slowly started opening my eyes. It was very painful and hard to do, in fact at one point I thought I dont think I am ever going to be able to open these eyes again! I still had to sleep raised up and not turn my head for 2.5 weeks! That made sleeping really hard. Im not a back sleeper! This surgery was harder in certain ways and easier in others. I felt like i had more energy overall than the last ones, I wanted to get up, more than I even could. The hardest part ofcourse was the pain.
I met with my doctor and learned a lot about what they did in the operating room. I had 8 visible incisions around my eyes on my face. They hide them well, in my eyebrow...eyelid etc. I also learned that the big incisions were inside my eye where they lifted the eyelid and cut inside so they were able to transplant fake bone. They usually use skull bone, but I have no more to give after my last surgery so they used a synthetic bone. They say it looks just like bone. They used that to reconstruct my orbital sockets and build up the eyes. They also made an incision in my belly button where they removed a tiny (and I say tiny because I wonder if they even took any)bit of fat to inject around the eyes, to give them a pillow to lay on. They say that the body will absorb some of the fat and I will be honest, I can see that already! They say that everyone body deals with it differently.
After meeting with the doctor it sounds like they will have to go in and do this again. My right eye is very recessed still. They can only bring it out so much at a time without risking snapping a nerve and making me blind. I guess we will see what happens. I meet with him again around Christmas and then 2 months following, so if Im lucky I wont have surgery again otherwise its looking like March!
I look in the mirror now and wonder what I should even look like. I have had so many different faces over the last 4 years. I do think I am looking a little more like myself. I love peoples honesty, because it confirms my beliefs. I hate it when people say I look great and I know otherwise. If they said, "You look great considering", then I like that but without the considering I feel like they are just trying to make me feel better. A friend of mine said it best(and she didnt know me before the accident). She said, now looking back and seeing you now, your face looked unstable. This last surgery makes you seem more solid." Perfectly stated. Inside my face I have been missing BONE, how can I look stable without it, in fact I wasnt. All of these surgeries are protecting me long term, along with many other things they are to do, but I am grateful that hopefully someday I will be able to play ball with my kids again.
Here are some pictures, if you want to look!
The old Cari! Before Surgery!
Cari Back in Surgery 10/02/12
Well, here we are again. It is amazing how unprepared you can still feel with all the anticipation that leads up to surgery. This morning started off okay, but very quickly you could tell that the household was not looking forward to what was planned for today. Cari, of course, had more to do than is humanly possible, which starts everything off with expectations that can't possibly be met. The kids got off for school with the only reference point being that mom was going back into surgery.
From everything that we knew about this surgery, this was suppose to be no big deal. The kids were not convinced.
Once the boys were off, the girls got ready while I ran a last minute errand for Cari. When I returned, my father was there and we gave Cari a blessing. I have been pretty anxious but as the day wore on Cari seemed more relaxed.
Now that the important stuff was out of the way, we could get down to business, literally. Cari and I picked up the house, re-worked emails for online shoe partys and sent them out. Cari's mom showed up to graciously watch the kids while we drove to Salt Lake, but by the time we finally left we were behind schedule. The closer we got to Salt Lake, the more uneasy I started to feel. Not that anything was wrong, but the anxiety of, "here we go again" settled in. Cari has been good though trying to put my mind at ease.
So, we arrived about 1:15pm and checked in and waited. Dr. Pattell came in to answer last minutes questions and fill us in on the details of the surgery. The best part for me was to see Cari relax and actually appear excited. (I use the term excited conservatively)
After what seemed like forever, someone finally came to get Cari. It was different this time though, because instead of hooking Cari up to everything, they just walked her away. I snuck in a quick kiss before she was gone. Now here I sit waiting. Hopefully, I will hear how it went soon.
ER
Doctor Update 03/13/12
-biggest problem is that my left eye doesn't close all the way and they don't want my eye to get infected...can lead to serious vision problems, so I will start using certain meds on it and that is now priority to my next surgery, which will be incisions under the eye...but still 3-6 months out. They have talked about inserting a weight in my eyelid.
-They want me to meet with my eye doctor by next week and then again a few months later as we get closer to a surgery date.
-the original idea of another surgery 3-6 months out is being postponed...do the eyes first, and then after evaluation of my progress and after swelling goes down re-evaluate. looks like it will be more like 6 months to a year.
-I have been given clearance to hold my girls again! YES!!!!
-I need to do daily things to my incisions, especially under my eyes.
-NO rough housing/playing with kids that could be harmful...NO throwing balls, sports etc. They will reevaluate that in 3 months. I can start walking and getting stronger and then start running when it feels ready( I asked about that one, because this warm weather is really going to make me want to run)...I have to be smart and listen to my body.
-They believe my bones in my skull that were cut and grafted are starting to take hold to my skull. They felt my head and can feel the weak points still, but feel confident its headed in the right direction. Still have to be very careful with my head
-they are not quite sure why I still cant open my mouth very wide(want to wait a little and see if it gets better) also see an orthodontist to help stop my grinding teeth
-They said I need to still listen to my body because when its tired its tired because it is still rebuilding bone, blood, skin, etc. BUT its good to push me a little more each day to keep getting stronger.
*****BIGGEST NEWS...Let me know if you want to see some of my pictures they took of me while I was in surgery. There are a few of me intubated right before surgery, then some with my head cut open with the plates in my head and then some after they transplanted my bone(you can also see where my bone in my skull was cut and the second layer replaced) and then one right after I was stitched up. If a lot of people want to see them, then MAYBE I will put them up here, but it is kinda bloody so I dont really know if I should. Some of my kids wanted to see them and they did pretty good with it. It is pretty cool to see it.
So overall it was pretty good. Thanks to all of those who helped with the kids while we were up there. We have never had to wait so long, but they were really behind schedule today. It was a good thing we had the IPAD to entertain us while we waited forever! We did spend a lot of time with the 3 docs though, so it was good. They made sure to remind me that this was a HUGE surgery and that it is completely normal to be exhausted and need to rest, but to me I am ready to start moving on and enjoying my family more again. I just cant wait for the day I can drive again!