5 Years ago!

Well, in so many ways I cannot believe it has been 5 years and then on the other hand it seems like it has been forever ago! This is definitely a day we will never forget. We have always tried to make this day a day of celebration, since we didn't loose anyone that night in our horrible car accident. We started a tradition of going up to Park City for the weekend with our family and friends and it usually seemed to help us not think too much about it and just enjoy our time together(except for last year, and maybe that was just extra hard since I had been through some rough surgeries that year and had recently been recovering from one). This year that didn't work out with our friends schedule, so we will be enjoying that beautiful place next week! This day is always filled with mixed emotions. On one hand I feel extremely grateful for the many blessings we have been blessed with along the way-friends, family and most importantly each other and yet on the other it is a reminder of what has caused all the hurt, pain and suffering I along with my family have had to endure. I woke up this morning with my eyes feeling swollen(which happens from time to time), a really bad headache(everyday and all day occurrence), a cold sore(that just sucked!) and a discouraged, depressed feeling. I wasn't expecting to feel this down and so I thought there is no way I can write or post anything today, like I had originally had planned. I try really hard to stay positive and to focus my energy on that. I am one that tries really hard to deal with my pain as much as I can, I don't want my children growing up thinking mom was always in fragile condition and depressed and ill(they still probably think that I was always in fragile condition, but hopefully not the rest). I think some of my sadness came from the fact that I thought we were going to do something cool together as a family today and then I learned Bill had to meet with his school group and he had TONS of homework to do. He could obviously sense my discouragement this morning, it probably didn't help that it took me so long to get out of bed, but he tried to make things better. I laid there in bed and kept telling myself, "Get over it Cari, buck up and be strong! You can do this! You cant change what happened, don't let that day, ruin today for you. Don't focus on how hard the last 5 years have been and how you wished it had never happened. Focus on your blessings and cheer up." After a little while of convincing myself, I got up and put on a smile. I was blessed with some good friends who remembered my anniversary today and sent me nice messages. Then I had an amazing neighbor that brought over a disc of a fireside I gave. I put the disc in and watched some of it. It's crazy to think about everything we have had to go through. And, I say we, because my family has had to sacrifice and they have suffered to. I cant think of many husbands that have had to run a household, manage a job and take care of a sick wife day in and day out. Anyway, these messages and love from my friends helped play a role in my attitude adjustment! We decided as a family to go out to breakfast before Bill had to start all of his homework. We enjoyed a nice time together at IHOP, then we came home and enjoyed the beautiful weather outside where the kids rode their bikes and played with their friends. Bill unfortunately, had to go to school so the kids and I ordered some pizza and watched a movie to end the night. As hard as this day is for me, I cant help but feel gratitude. As a family this is something we really try to keep our focus on because if we don't it is easy to feel overwhelmed by our daily challenges. As a family every night we each say something we are grateful for. Not just in November, but every day of the year. Today I am grateful for a lot! I am grateful for amazing friends and family who have been there for us when we have needed it. I am grateful for the sacrifices others have made on our behalf. I am grateful for the friendships that have been formed through the service that has been rendered. I am grateful for the opportunities I have had to share my story and to influence/help others while doing that. I am grateful for the listening ears when I have really needed someone to talk to, especially when I was down. Im thankful for those who cared for my children, while I wasn't able to. I'm grateful for friends that were inspired to call or show-up when I was feeling down. Im grateful for peace that comes from the knowledge and testimony that I have from being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm grateful for a supportive husband who many times has had to sacrifice his own wants to help me and our family. Im grateful for children that press forward even when things are hard. Most importantly, Im grateful for the opportunity that I get to watch my family grow up, that I get to be there for their soccer games, help them with homework, meet their friends and help teach them right from wrong and Im grateful I get to spend more time with my best friend. This night 5 years ago could have easily had a different outcome and even though I joke that I wished it had been the different outcome(just because it is so hard every single day), Im grateful that it turned out the way it did, even though its tough. I get the opportunity to stick around and witness all of these everyday blessings and miracles.

11/09/08 4 years ago..11/09/12

PART ONE

Well, to start off I'm not very good with words, so I'll do the best I can and hope you guys can bear with me. What I wanted to do today, is write down my experiences that I had four years ago today. Actually, I'm going to start back six and half years ago, because it will help you get a better idea of where my life was at. I was a stay-at-home mom to two cute little boys. I was enjoying motherhood, but was trying to find a way to earn a little extra money when I had this idea come to me in the middle the night. I wanted to do shoe parties!

There were all types of parties out there, but at the time there weren't any shoe parties! After a lot of work and convincing to my husband I figured out a way to do it. I promised him I would start out by hosting my own shoe party in our home. So I began the preparations with invitations, etc. I didn't tell anyone I invited about my little experiment. I wanted to see how it would fare and I didn’t want anyone doing me any favors. It was my test to see how well it was going to turn out, if this could really be a viable business.

My husband was a little skeptic and so he anxiously watched from the hallway as he saw woman after woman coming in and purchasing shoes, then leaving with their purchases that night. After the party ended, we counted the money and found it was a success! We had found something that women love, shoes! Not only that, but it was a fun way to shop with your friends.  All we had to do now was develop a way to make it work.

Now, at the time I was so excited about this new idea I came up with that I told my husband all I would have to do to take parties to others homes was pack up all the shoes in the car and take them to the hostess's homes and then unload my car each time, sell and then load it all back up and go home. Well, my husband was smart and said that after awhile that would get really old and I would get burnt our really fast. Looking back now, he was absolutely right, so instead we came up with a way to make a mobile shoe party. It took lots of hard work and trial and error to get our system developed. Yet, we did it! We developed a shoe store on wheels. We purchased a 7x16 foot long trailer and built out shelving and restraints to keep the product in an organized fashion. Then we showed up to people’s homes and set up a display then let the fun begin. The customers loved the idea of trying it on and taking it home with them in the same night!

It didn’t take long for the parties to take off. It was a unique idea and come on, it was shoes! People were able to host parties, get all the girls together and earn free product off of their friend’s purchases. I was so busy with parties that I was months booked out! It didn’t take long until I had multiple people coming to me wanting to be a part of our system and sell shoes. We started selling franchises which not only was a benefit to me and my family but it also allowed other moms to make money, without having to work too much out of the home. I loved that part, I felt like I was helping families. This also helped our franchise business to grow. Due to the growth of our business we were quickly getting too cramped where we were living and we made the decision to start building our first home. Life was busy with a growing business, building a home, running our other business (my husband and I also owned a Smoothie/Sandwich/Salad restaurant, but he mainly took care of that) and on top of that we were expecting our third baby! Things were exciting, not only with business, but also with our family. We found out we were expecting our first baby girl and we were so excited! I felt like I was on top of the world and at other times I wondered how I could manage everything! Overall things were going really well.

When I was 7 months pregnant we found out I needed to be on moderate bed rest. How was I supposed to keep up with my very busy schedule? Our house was getting closer to being finished and quite honestly I couldn’t wait for that. My plate was full and I kept thinking that having the house done would be one less thing I would have to worry about. This part of the story brings me to four years ago.

We had just sold our 9^th franchise, which always requires tons of work. Things were crazy at our house. My mom knew we had a lot to work to do and she didn’t want me over doing it so she offered to take my kids for the weekend so I could relax and take it easy.   We finished the trailer and spent a little time resting and then we started the drive out to my mom’s house to pick up the kids and have a little family dinner. My mom lives out in the beautiful country and so we always enjoy our drives there. We thought this would be just like any other.

On the way home my husband and I discussed the week ahead, talked about what kind of light fixtures we wanted to put in our new home, etc. It was dark driving on this one lane highway. I was always on the watch for deer on these drives so in the dark they seemed more intense. The next thing we knew a big truck was coming at us with their brights on. This blinded us for a second as we were turning the corner, when the next thing we knew there were three black cows in the middle of the road. Driving 65 miles per hour doesn’t give much time for reaction. I don't remember anything; I don't even remember seeing the cows, although my kids in the backseat said that I screamed so I must've seen them.

Before we knew it, we collided with one of the black cows. The cow came through the windshield on my side (the passenger side of the car) where he collided/kissed my face! The impact turned our car and made it go down to the right side of the road into a little swampy area with big tall weeds. My husband said at first he thought I was ejected because it was so dark and all he saw was a big hole in the windshield. He quickly realized that I was laying there bleeding profusely my head. My husband knew immediately that it was an emergency, so he tried to call 911, but there was no cell phone reception. He told my boys to wait there while he went to go get help.

My husband walked up to the side of the road and in the process another vehicle drove over the cow we hit that was still lying in the road. My oldest son (5 years at the time) said that he heard that big noise and thought that dad got hit by a car, so he unbuckled his seat belt and got out of his car seat. He then says he came and shook my shoulder saying, “Mom, wake up, wake up, we need you. Mom, please wake up, we need your help.” Obviously, I wasn’t much help unconscious. Luckily, my husband didn't get hit by a car and came back down the hill and was able to get the kids out of the car quickly so that they didn't have to watch me, their mom lying there unconscious. The highway patrolman called me a fatality and said they were just trying to save the life of my unborn baby.

The first ambulance arrived where they took me out of the car and got me on the way to the nearest hospital. I found out later that my husband rode with me in the ambulance. I asked him, “Why did you do that? Why did you leave our two little kids by themselves?” He said that they were waiting for another ambulance to arrive and that he had to have faith and trust the people in charge would take care of our kids and do the things that were best for them  I learned about a family that let my boys sit in their car while they worked to get me out of the car and to keep them away from me. What a blessing! I wish I knew who they were to thank them. It really means a lot to me, still to this day.

I went by ambulance to the nearest hospital where they quickly determined that they were going to be unable to take care of me so they called for life flight where they were sending me to the top trauma hospital in our state. My husband was unable to come in the helicopter with me so he quickly got in the car and started his trek to the hospital. Once I arrived they put me through tests and then I quickly underwent major surgery. They found through 3d scans that my damage was intense and prepared my family for the worst.

 My face was shattered from the top of my jaw up to the middle of my skull. Once they cut me open they realized quickly that the little bones that were left intact would shatter when they would try and screw plates and screws into them. Any bone that was left was unstable and fragile. The doctor said they had to vacuum the bones out my face. My first surgery went a little over eight hours when my heart rate was dropping so they had to quickly stitch me up. I was place in the ICU and had to wait to get strong enough to go in for surgery again Because they were unable to finish what they started my family said they sat by my bed and had to listen to the bones crunching anytime I moved my face. They watched as I sucked through a straw and witnessed my face sinking in. My husband said it was horrible to watch.

A few days later I went under another major surgery for another eight hours where they were able to go in and work more on my face and head. When I woke up my eyes were stitched closed and my mouth was wired shut with a breathing tube down my throat. I remember feeling very claustrophobic. I couldn’t see anything, so all I had was my sense of touch and sound. I longed for the touch of my husband and mothers hand. I hated the time I was all alone when they made my family leave during nurse shift changes. I remember them telling my family to go home one night and get some rest because they had given me so many drugs that I would be out of it. Well, I wasn’t! That was the worst night of my life! I was scared and felt so alone. I started to imagine that I had been sent to a misfit place out in the middle of nowhere and I wondered if I would ever get to go home.  I would always be thinking about all the business things that needed to be done and how my kids were holding up. I worried about my unborn baby and prayed she would be ok. Because my right arm was also broken I was in a cast from my shoulder to my fingertips. I am right-handed so that meant I couldn't even write. I love to communicate, so not being able to talk was really hard for me. I would try to write with my left hand to get messages to those around me. They were usually a scribbled mess with something like, “Don’t leave me”, and “I need you to do this for the business” and “How are my kids and the baby?” It’s amazing when you don't have certain senses how much you learn to appreciate and be grateful for all you do have.

The doctors kept saying, “You are a miracle!” “You should be brain-dead!” “We can't believe you're okay!” “You should have never survived that impact!” To go with all of that, they couldn’t believe that my little baby was still inside my tummy. She was a huge miracle! They even had a place reserved for her on our hospital bill in the NICU. The doctors monitored her extensively and they gave her a steroid shot to help her develop her lungs because they really did not think that she would stay in the womb. They watched her closely as I was having contractions but she was a fighter and she was not ready to come out! Lucky for our family she did camp out a little longer and didn’t make her appearance until she was only a week early!

The days and nights all blended together while I lay in the hospital. I recently learned about family members that were grateful I couldn’t see during most of my stay, because they would sit next to me and hold my hand while they cried. While tears streamed down their face they would comfort me with their “fake” strong voices. I know that really did help me stay positive. I remember lying in my hospital bed and not being able to breathe on my own.  I remember wanting to drink water so bad. After they removed the breathing tube, I had to pass a swallow test. I failed my first one and I was devastated. I barely made it through the 2^nd test a long while later. I learned that drinking water is a wonderful blessing that I took for granted before. Having my eyes stitched closed only complicated the situation.

Yet, while I laid there I couldn't help but be grateful that no one else in my car was injured that night.  I was so grateful that I was the only one that took a hit. It could've been a lot worse; I could've lost my entire family that night. They say that when you hit a cow, they usually end up in the backseat. If that happened in our case it would have killed my two little boys. I don’t remember ever feeling sorry for myself, as I laid there in pain. I felt a lot stronger than I thought I was. I understood what really mattered and was so grateful for all the miracles that happened that night.

Once I got out of the ICU my husband still stayed with me around the clock, but as I got stronger I wanted him to go home and start getting caught up on things and visit with the kids and I will never forget my husband coming back and telling me his Home Depot story. He had to pick out all the light fixtures for our new house because the electrician needed them asap. He was so worried that I wouldn’t like them, or I would want something else. He told me how stressful it was and I remember looking at him and saying, “I don’t even care, that stuff doesn’t even matter.” I really did feel that way. Those are just things and I had what mattered most, my family.  By the way, he did a great job!

 When it finally came time for my stitches to come out of my eyes I'll never forget the first time I got up and saw my face. I’m a redhead, and there aren’t many redheads around, so when the nurse helped me up to the mirror all I saw was a very swollen, bruised, cut, very unattractive redhead. I was wondering what had happened to this poor girl? When I looked behind me I realized this poor person was me and right then and there I had a decision to make. I could lose all of Cari or I could lose the exterior Cari. I felt like time stood still and I quickly made the decision that I was Cari and I dint want to lose who I was. Just because my exterior had changed, that didn’t mean the inside needed to too. The funny thing throughout all of this, was the time that I was able to talk to those around me, I found myself joking with the nurses and having a good time. I laid there in bed, I didn't see what I looked like and I didn't know the extent of the damages. I was Cari. I knew things were bad, but I guess I never thought it would affect the way that I looked, it would just all heal back the way it was. I wish that had been the case, but even though it wasn’t, I knew I was still blessed.

I remember going through physical therapy I was required to go up two stairs and then go back down. I did the two stairs and I looked at my therapist and I said, “No I can do more, don't let me get away with just doing two!” He didn’t know who Cari was. I am not one person to let things be easy for me, infact most things in my life weren’t easy! Being a mom isn’t always easy, starting a business is not an easy thing to do both require lots of questions you have to answer, and a lot of things you have to learn. These were things that I, Cari would do, why would I stop now? I had to push myself when I opened up the business and so I learned I could use the same things that I learned in business to help me push through recovery. My doctor was amazed at my progress and I begged him to go home. I missed my kids so much and I was dying to see the progress of our new home. The time finally came when I would get to start phase two of this adventure at home…

The recent one 11/4/12

***Pictures at the very end...dont scroll down if you dont want to see!

Well, I never really wrote anything down about my last surgery, so I figured it was time, for memory sake. I didn't have to be to the Hospital until 1, so  I had the morning to finish getting things prepared. Once we got there it took awhile until they started. They got me in my gown, took my vitals, talked to the doctor and then I laid their waiting for my operating room to be ready for me. It was nice to talk to the doctor before hand. He answered lots of my questions and at the time said that after this surgery I should be able to do in office procedures on my eyes from here on out. He looked at a stack of pictures of me that he asked me to bring before hand. He said he would keep them and blow them up in the operating room so while they improve everything they can make me look like Cari as much as they can while they are in there. I guess it also helps them to know where more bone is missing.

Bill was with me until they had me go back for surgery. The only problem was they had me on the hospital bed without Bill forever. In fact I was waiting right outside the door of my operating room while they were finishing up with another patient. The anesthesiologist came and talked to me, my doctor came and took pictures of me and drew on my face with a beautiful purple marker and I just laid there until they were ready for me. It was finally my turn and the next thing you know I'm waking up!

The first 3 or 4 days I couldn't see at all. My eye were bandaged up, which I wasnt exactly expecting so I laid there bored, with no tv or anything, well I take that back I did have PAIN! It was really rough. I had strict rules, NO sleeping on my side, NO sleeping with the head turned on the side PLUS I had to be raised up with 3 pillows at all times to help the swelling. The first night seemed like it lasted forever. I was in so much pain and I couldn't even sleep.

The next morning Bill had to run Kyle to school since he still had his broken arm and he told me he would be back in 5! Well those were the worst 5 minutes of my life as a mother. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. It started out seeeming easy, the girls in my room lying by me watching cartoons. Well, that was just how it started. Now, let me remind you I have NO eyesight at this point and Im not even supposed to get up on my own. Ok, so Kyn asks for milk. I say, "Im sorry sweetie, but you will have to wait until dad gets back, I cant get that for you." She starts to cry. Then, the doorbell rings. I tell the girls to stay and let it go. DO NOT MOVE, well that didnt go over very well. Kaylee took off running and I hear her answer the door. Lucky for me it was just fed ex dropping off a pkg. Then she came back and I tell the girls, "You have to stay here, until dad gets back." SO then, Kay takes off and I hear the front door open. I am just about to get down on my knees to track her down, when Bill gets home! After I made sure he knew to never leave me again until I could see, I realized we had survived and at that point was all that mattered.

After being home a few days I unfortunately passed out. Bill had helped me to the bathroom and as I was sitting on the toilet(no need to read further if you dont want the dirty details) and I told him I felt like I was going to pass out. I say that often, so nothing to scary but then he said I followed through with it. He said it was a little weird because I arched my back and then fell towards the back corner. He was worried about my head since I have holes in my skull and very thin spots from my last surgery, so he protected my head. When I woke up I couldn't hear anything and could see Bill yelling at me. Then I heard him yelling, "Cari, Cari" Bill said I was out for about a minute and when I woke up I was laying in a pile of urine and my fingers were sticking straight out, I couldn't bend them for like 15 mins. Bill wanted to get me up in the bath but I couldn't move I was so weak. After about 15 minutes he got me in the bath. I feel so lucky to have someone like Bill taking such good care of me. I think I add a lot of stress to that poor mans life. I wish he didnt have to go through all of this with me.

Once I was able to get the bandages off I slowly started opening my eyes. It was very painful and hard to do, in fact at one point I thought I dont think I am ever going to be able to open these eyes again! I still had to sleep raised up and not turn my head for 2.5 weeks! That made sleeping really hard. Im not a back sleeper! This surgery was harder in certain ways and easier in others. I felt like i had more energy overall than the last ones, I wanted to get up, more than I even could. The hardest part ofcourse was the pain.

I met with my doctor and learned a lot about what they did in the operating room. I had 8 visible incisions around my eyes on my face. They hide them well, in my eyebrow...eyelid etc. I also learned that the big incisions were inside my eye where they lifted the eyelid and cut inside so they were able to transplant fake bone. They usually use skull bone, but I have no more to give after my last surgery so they used a synthetic bone. They say it looks just like bone. They used that to reconstruct my orbital sockets and build up the eyes. They also made an incision in my belly button where they removed a tiny (and I say tiny because I wonder if they even took any)bit of fat to inject around the eyes, to give them a pillow to lay on. They say that the body will absorb some of the fat and I will be honest, I can see that already!  They say that everyone body deals with it differently.

After meeting with the doctor it sounds like they will have to go in and do this again. My right eye is very recessed still. They can only bring it out so much at a time without risking snapping a nerve and making me blind. I guess we will see what happens. I meet with him again around Christmas and then 2 months following, so if Im lucky I wont have surgery again otherwise its looking like March!

I look in the mirror now and wonder what I should even look like. I have had so many different faces over the last 4 years. I do think I am looking a little more like myself. I love peoples honesty, because it confirms my beliefs. I hate it when people say I look great and I know otherwise. If they said, "You look great considering", then I like that but without the considering I feel like they are just trying to make me feel better. A friend of mine said it best(and she didnt know me before the accident). She said, now looking back and seeing you now, your face looked unstable. This last surgery makes you seem more solid." Perfectly stated. Inside my face I have been missing BONE, how can I look stable without it, in fact I wasnt. All of these surgeries are protecting me long term, along with many other things they are to do, but I am grateful that hopefully someday I will be able to play ball with my kids again.

Here are some pictures, if you want to look!

 The old Cari! Before Surgery!
 

 

Cari Back in Surgery 10/02/12

Well, here we are again. It is amazing how unprepared you can still feel with all the anticipation that leads up to surgery. This morning started off okay, but very quickly you could tell that the household was not looking forward to what was planned for today. Cari, of course, had more to do than is humanly possible, which starts everything off with expectations that can't possibly be met. The kids got off for school with the only reference point being that mom was going back into surgery.
From everything that we knew about this surgery, this was suppose to be no big deal. The kids were not convinced.
Once the boys were off, the girls got ready while I ran a last minute errand for Cari. When I returned, my father was there and we gave Cari a blessing. I have been pretty anxious but as the day wore on Cari seemed more relaxed.
Now that the important stuff was out of the way, we could get down to business, literally. Cari and I picked up the house, re-worked emails for online shoe partys and sent them out. Cari's mom showed up to graciously watch the kids while we drove to Salt Lake, but by the time we finally left we were behind schedule. The closer we got to Salt Lake, the more uneasy I started to feel. Not that anything was wrong, but the anxiety of, "here we go again" settled in. Cari has been good though trying to put my mind at ease.
So, we arrived about 1:15pm and checked in and waited. Dr. Pattell came in to answer last minutes questions and fill us in on the details of the surgery. The best part for me was to see Cari relax and actually appear excited. (I use the term excited conservatively)
After what seemed like forever, someone finally came to get Cari. It was different this time though, because instead of hooking Cari up to everything, they just walked her away. I snuck in a quick kiss before she was gone. Now here I sit waiting. Hopefully, I will hear how it went soon.

ER

I have felt like there has been one thing after another and I am just trying to hang on and survive! I have the good days and the bad days, but it seems like the goal lately has been to keep my head above water. Im not going to lie, on one hand I am amazed at what I do get done these days, but on the other its never enough. Then, you throw in infections, sick family, etc and it seems almost impossible to survive! As of late, Sunday to be exact. I went to church and noticed that my right eyelid was bothered anytime I would touch it, it continued through the day. Then the next morning I awoke to a very red and swollen eyelid/eye. My list of things to accomplish that day was a mile long so I was hoping the eye thing would just go away. By afternoon it was getting worse, so I called my amazing Dr Patel's office. Sad news for me was he was out of the office until Wednesday vacationing. So, in the mean time I talked to his nurse Jill who is fantastic. She gave me a few options. Either get someone to drive me up the the U or go to an insta care around me. I told her I would think about it but most likely stay close to home. Its just easier. Lately, one of my biggest complaints is not being able to do things for myself and then in return making it someone elses problem too, because I need help. SO the last thing I wanted to do was call someone to come and watch my kids and then call someone else to drive me up there and take 4 hours out of their busy day and be bored with me at the docs office. ( I have already had a friend have to do that!) So, I figured I would wait it out more, or go to the insta care. By now its late afternoon and Kaylee had a bday party to go to, so I headed over to the neighbors to drop her off. While I was dropping her off her dad(a pediatrician), took a look at me and told me I needed to get my eye taken care of ASAP, and not wait any longer. He told me what he though it was and said it can be very serious. After that, I thought I should probably go in. So, with Kynlee in tow I headed out to the instacare. We got there and the doctor was not super impressive. He didnt know what i had and he was looking it up on his phone. He mentioned the one my neighbor had said but then he couldnt get past the fact that my eyelashes were partially red/blonde and the other part black, so he was thinking the red/blonde were crustys in my eye? I dont know it was weird. I tried to explain to him that my good friend died them black before surgery, so maybe it was the eyelashes growing out! I dont know! Anyway, he prescribed me eye drop antibiotics and sent me on my way with instructions telling me that it would probably NOT be better by the morning and if not then I would need to go to the ER and get IV antibiotics. I left not feeling very confident in his diagnosis, because he was unclear from his own diagnosis. So, I decided to just head over to the ER. I was so glad that I did. They told me that I had PERIORBITAL CELLULITIS. Which is serious, can get in the blood stream/cause meningitis/loss of eye sight/etc. Then on top of that with all my recent surgeries it became even more important. SO, they put me on a very aggressive course of antibiotics internally and with drops. I cant remember what all the drugs were for, but they are obviously helping because 5 days later and there is very little swelling remaining. I get so used to being in so much pain, that it was actually nice to feel the difference in the relief once the meds started to take their course. This has caused more head pain, right above that eye, but I am on the mend! I just have to keep remninding myself, Come what may and LOVE it!

Doctor Update 03/13/12

Im really tired right now because its been a long day, but I thought I would give you a quick update. I met with my doctors today and overall things seem to be going good.

-biggest problem is that my left eye doesn't close all the way and they don't want my eye to get infected...can lead to serious vision problems, so I will start using certain meds on it and that is now priority to my next surgery, which will be incisions under the eye...but still 3-6 months out. They have talked about inserting a weight in my eyelid.

-They want me to meet with my eye doctor by next week and then again a few months later as we get closer to a surgery date.

-the original idea of another surgery 3-6 months out is being postponed...do the eyes first, and then after evaluation of my progress and after swelling goes down re-evaluate. looks like it will be more like 6 months to a year.

-I have been given clearance to hold my girls again! YES!!!!

-I need to do daily things to my incisions, especially under my eyes.

-NO rough housing/playing with kids that could be harmful...NO throwing balls, sports etc. They will reevaluate that in 3 months. I can start walking and getting stronger and then start running when it feels ready( I asked about that one, because this warm weather is really going to make me want to run)...I have to be smart and listen to my body.

-They believe my bones in my skull that were cut and grafted are starting to take hold to my skull. They felt my head and can feel the weak points still, but feel confident its headed in the right direction. Still have to be very careful with my head

-they are not quite sure why I still cant open my mouth very wide(want to wait a little and see if it gets better) also see an orthodontist to help stop my grinding teeth

-They said I need to still listen to my body because when its tired its tired because it is still rebuilding bone, blood, skin, etc. BUT its good to push me a little more each day to keep getting stronger.

*****BIGGEST NEWS...Let me know if you want to see some of my pictures they took of me while I was in surgery. There are a few of me intubated right before surgery, then some with my head cut open with the plates in my head and then some after they transplanted my bone(you can also see where my bone in my skull was cut and the second layer replaced) and then one right after I was stitched up. If a lot of people want to see them, then MAYBE I will put them up here, but it is kinda bloody so I dont really know if I should. Some of my kids wanted to see them and they did pretty good with it. It is pretty cool to see it.

So overall it was pretty good. Thanks to all of those who helped with the kids while we were up there. We have never had to wait so long, but they were really behind schedule today. It was a good thing we had the IPAD to entertain us while we waited forever! We did spend a lot of time with the 3 docs though, so it was good. They made sure to remind me that this was a HUGE surgery and that it is completely normal to be exhausted and need to rest, but to me I am ready to start moving on and enjoying my family more again. I just cant wait for the day I can drive again!

getting there 02/26/12

Well, after Bill has been taking care of my blog, Im afraid noone will want to read this. From what I heard, it was pretty good! I just needed to write down a few of my feelings tonight, even though Im exhausted I feel like this is something I need to remember. I think we see blessings in our life all the time, they are just easy to forget and as rough as today was for me, I felt blessed and figured I better write it down.

My kids spent the weekend with my mom in Fairview, riding horses and playing in the snow, while Bill and I enjoyed a peaceful, quiet house. Yet while it was so quiet I had a lot of time to sit back and think...Today was just rough for me. For those of you that know me, my personality is one of those that could be explained as crazy, bubbly, over enthusiastic, social, busy body, workaholic(to name a few). If you think of all of those explanations and then think of me sitting in a bed all day, they just dont jibe! Its hard lying here in pain, when I would much rather be up and about playing and working. I think I might just have a small case of the blues. I know a lot of my swelling is going down, but I still look at myself in the mirror and get discouraged. I cant move my eyebrows and my face feels so weird. First of all, Im not used to having bone in my face anymore, so its taking a little adjusting too. The eyebrow thing scares me. I have always been one of those people that said, I would never want plastic surgery because it makes people look fake. They have no REAL expressions when they talk because NOTHING moves. Currently, I feel like one of those situations. Hopefully that will change as swelling continues to go down. My face feels all tingly and swollen(you know like after you are at the dentist). Anyway, I just felt down. I must admit other than feeling horrible in the hospital I have been doing pretty good until today. You have to have some bad to appreciate the good, right?

Anyway, so this is where the story gets good. I had the thought today that the prayers must have stopped in my behalf since Im having a break down. I know, I didnt even like my attitude with that thought (Dont worry, I will repent). So, here I am feeling sorry for myself and wishing i was better already. Then Bill starts getting some messages from friends that want to come and visit. Before I knew it my entire afternoon-evening was filled up with visitors(the most so far). Granted I was EXHAUSTED and tried to seem fine, but I did that because that was exactly what I needed. At the end of the night one of my friends told me she didnt know why she came, she just felt inspired. What a blessing she was! She was inspired along with everyone else and brought me exactly what I needed. I feel so blessed. One thing lately that I have really felt is the power of prayer in my life. I cant tell you how much my testimony has grown in that category. I have witnessed it in my own life and even in another little family that I dont even know, but follow their blog that I love to read. Prayer is real, and I feel so blessed to have that knowledge. So, here I am partially repenting for my bad and ungrateful attitude today when in reality I have nothing to complain about.
I will keep going and keep improving and a year from now I will be able to look back and say, "I did that, I made it through that, and I learned from it. These experiences are making me who I am today!"

Cari

Progress 02/22/12

So, it has been a few days since we have been home from the hospital. After the apprehension that was very apparent, we have at least settled into a routine at home.

When we first got home, we showed up about 5 minutes too soon. Our children were heading to Chucky Cheese, to give Cari some time to settle in, but they had not quite left yet. So, of course, after not seeing Cari or I for nearly a week, the kids were anxious to see their mom. We put a hat on Cari and hoped for the best. We expected the girls to have a hard time, but it was the boys that had the hardest time. The boys mustered enough courage to offer a hug and then backed up. The girls were stand offish, but then were clingy to mom. The biggest surprise came later that night when they saw Cari without her hat, the boys complained about feeling dizzy, so we called it a night for them, but the girls became clingy to dad. It wasn't until Kaylee pointed out the fact that she could see the scar that we realized that Cari wasn't wearing the hat any longer, and that seeing her now was different. Eventually that night the girls warmed up, but it wasn't until day 2 that the boys pushed past the changes.

The first two days were the roughest, I actually slept in my own bed, as well as Cari. Cari had some adjustments to make also, as is true to form. Cari woke me up on the first morning after coming from the hospital... from the floor. Her reasoning was that she could not wake me up, but she had no problem doing it from across the room, when she didn't have the strength to make it back to bed. I did wake up, with a heart attack, and unable to comprehend the thinking behind the actions. This is Cari though, thinking that she is helping by not bothering somebody else, even me.

After, this rude awakening, things seemed to settle down to more of an even keel. Cari stayed in bed until someone was around to help her get around. We have started to see some of her energy and strength return, which has been nice.

The biggest and most notable difference has been the swelling that has started to subside. Each day there is noticeable improvement. Cari is still waiting for enough of the swelling to go down so that she can see the new mobility in her face. It is kind of the joke around here as time passes, because when Cari smiles, her mouth smiles, but her eyes, cheeks and forehead stay put. We are looking forward to the day when she can raise her eyebrows.

Thank you, to everyone that has offered help, support, and kind words through this time. Things are quickly improving and we are well on our way back to the way things were before, but for Cari will have things a little "smoother."

View at your own risk. These are surgery pictures

You may or may not want to see these. They are pictures the doctors gave us from during the surgery. Since I didn't have much bone in my head they cut my skull and since your skull is 2 layers thick they took one layer and transplanted it all over my face and forehead!

Day 5 - 4th Day After 02/18/12

Not really sure what I want to put down today. For everyone out there, it may seem as though things are different, but from where I am sitting, it seems like more of the same. Doctors have been in and out of the room from the wee hours of the morning telling Cari that by the numbers she is great and can, or maybe should be thinking about going home. I on the other hand have to sit here and watch Cari barely eat her food, barely have enough strength to walk 50 ft down the hall, and barely able to get her medication again before it has completely worn off.

For anyone that knows Cari, she loves to visit, and really appreciates it when people come and see her, so I know that she is not feeling well when she is telling me that she just doesn't really feel up to visitors. I don't know what to think about it all, but it seems like humanity in general is in question when it is as if the doctors are working more for the insurance companies, than they are for the patient. You really start to get that sense when the doctors themselves say, "by the numbers."

I apologize for the rant, but man it is so draining to keep hearing.

The good news from all the discussions that I have been having may have paid off. It looks like Cari will be here another night at least. There is one resident that seems to be helping to really assess the situation to get Cari back to a more normal Cari. She is still weak and tired, but we are now doing some things to get her medications reduced and scaled back. Maybe that will provide some relief from the drowsy state that she is finding herself in at the moment.

The bright spot today was a visit from a friend of Cari's that stopped by to lift her spirits. Ora had skills to french braid Cari's hair which helped to keep it out of Cari's face. Cari is looking good at this point, and after Ora left Cari was able to go to sleep. It is a maxing to me how many people decide to come into the room when Cari is asleep. I started throwing people out to allow Cari to get some uninterrupted sleep.

This afternoon someone from physical therapy came to work with Cari, and finally someone saw her lack of energy and took note. The therapist had Cari sit on her bed and move pillows from one side to the other. Cari thought the pillows were heavy and didn't make it to the 4th one effectively. A PA on staff came in and a discussion ensued about Cari's lack of energy and inability to stand up straight. But at least for tonight she will be in the hospital. I am sure that we will be at it again tomorrow.

4th Day - 3rd Day After 02/18/12

First of all, I am sorry that I have not put up a post yet, especially for those faithfully following Cari's progress. Instead of doing the hourly format that I did yesterday, I'm going to try and hit some of the highlights.

One of the common themes that runs through Cari's days is the fact that she is very weak. When I was trying to feed Cari breakfast, I felt like I was trying to feed Ryan, our 6 year old. Ryan is our pickiest eater and has this routine that he does when he eats. It goes something like this: Ryan puts a bite of food in his mouth, chews it up for about 10 minutes until it resembles a nasty drool and then he mutters, it's yucky, and I can't get it out of my mouth. As the good parents that we, are we tell him, just swallow it, but to no avail, he mumbles, "I can't" usually as it runs down his chin, and onto the floor. Well, that is about what Cari did today, but she wasn't, as happy when I told her you only can't if you say you can't.

Kelli(sister) came to visit Cari today. Kelli did a great job taking care of Cari and helping her to relax. I think it helps Cari to have visitors, but at this stage it also wears her out too. After Kelli left I was able to help Cari to get a shower. It was her first since the surgery, so there was quite a bit to accomplish between avoiding her incision to getting the dried fluids out of her hair. I think that she felt better and she seemed to be able to relax.

All in all it was a fairly uneventful day and Cari seemed to be able to do more, but I wonder if she has over done it. Cari's dad came up tonight and worked on Cari(massage) which helped her to relax while he was here, but as soon as he left, Cari was pretty tired. True to form, when others are around Cari pushes it and then crashes at the end of the day.

Day 5 02/17/12

I'm going to attempt this. My vision is horrible and I'm exhausted so bare with me. I wish I could get a picture of my sleeping beauty napping on the chair next to me.. He has been my go to man for everything the last few days and I couldn't make it through this without him. It has been a rough couple of days, I still can't do much of anything on my own,,I'm sure these days are long for him too. He has been right by my side. He is what I lean against while I'm trying to go to the bathroom, he is the one discussing concerns with the docs. And the one trying to help m get the strength I need to get out of here.

I have been really weak. I got another infection yesterday which didn't help, but my blood pressure is just so low that it makes everything harder. Today it was 85/45 so they retook it and it was 85/60. They have given me bolster fluids to try and increase it. My face is tight and swollen, with that I can't see really much of anything. It's a good thing I know my keyboard so well. I'm just plain weak. Its not like me and that is frustrating. I might get to go home tomorrow if I can get stronger.

Good night.

End of Day 3 02/15/12

3:00 pm - Dr. Cambren (neurologist) just stopped by to check in on Cari. He is very encouraged with the way things are progressing. Cari on the other hand is not as confident that things are as they should be. The doctor has helped Cari see the good things that have occured and laid out some Goals for the next few days. These goals are nothing fantastic like run a mile, but they are the basics. First she needs to eat. Ever since her surgery Cari has not had much of an apetite. To regain her strength she will need to simply eat regular meals. Second, she needs to walk farther then the 10 steps to the bathroom. Physical therapists were here this morning to get her walking and will be back this afternoon, but Dr. Cambren is looking for two more walks today and 5 or 6 walks tomorrow. Third, and forgive me for being blunt, but Cari needs to get her bowels moving and we have been told that if she doesn't do it on her own, they have ways of "helping" her.

4:00 pm - At this point oral pain killers are working well, but Cari is starting to be able to feel when the medicine is wearing off and for her, that is not a great feeling. The physical therapists came back for the second walk down the hall of the day. She walked about twice as far as the last time. She is still not as excited about thoses milestones as i was, but then again, i am not the one that fells like crap and just wants to lay down. When we returned from this walk, Cari was able to get another dose of narcotics and started drifting in and out of sleep.

5:00 pm - Not a lot happened during this hour because the drugs wipe Cari out at the beginning of a dose. Of course, dinner was delivered and so it sat and cooled off most of the time. Every once in a while Cari was arouse just enough to say, "I need to eat." and then back off to lala land she went.

6:00 pm - By 6, Cari is still very groggy but she is now making a more concerted effort to try and eat. Finally, after much prodding and convincing Cari to eat, i am glad to report that she almost ate half a meal. I did say almost half right. This was not a quick process and It took most of the hour.

7:00 pm - Once again Cari is really starting to feel the effects of the pain killer wearing off but she seemed to be handling it a little better this time. The shift change for the nurses is at this time if the day and so they are slow at getting medication to Cari. To pass the time we called our kids and talked to the oldest boys who seemed to be doing a little better tonight. Cari worked really hard to make her voice sound upbeat and positive so that it would come off as positive and reassuring. As soon as she finished and handed me the phone, she muttered weakly, "that wore me out." For the last bit of this hour, we listened to Brian Regan, a comic, that a friend gave to Cari to listen to to pass the time. Now, if you thought that this hour could not get nay better, well... Remember what the 3 goals were? We walked, we ate dinner, and now it was time to try and move the intestinal track. It was not happening on its own, so... That's about all I am going to say about that.

8:00 pm - At 8 it was definitely time to take Cari's medication again. And there was a lot to take. Pain killer, nausea, incontinence, antibiotics - internal and external. We finally got them all done, and then it was time for another walk. This was the farthest walk that Cari has taken, but it was also at her weakest state. Cari starts to shake when she has to exert too much effort when her medication has worn off, but since she had just taken all of her medication, it hadn't yet kicked in. By the time that we got her back into bed, she was spent. I did everything to make her comfortable, just in time.

9:00 pm - Finally all the medicine kicked in and Cari has been able to sleep.
This is the same feeling that I get when the house falls quiet at night. The kids are all safely tucked in their beds and I can finally take a sigh of relief from the long days. Cari is a trooper. It is almost weird to think that just 3 days ago, Cari and I were sitting in a operation prep room, smiling, trying to laugh, and not think about how this moment, right now, would be like. I am glad that she has made it through the horrible accident that we went through, 2 additional children have been added to our family, another horrible surgery, that we are optimistic is the right thing to help her have a better quality if life. And now hopefully a quick recovery. As Cari has told many on staff, here at the hospital, "I am a fighter," and she is, and for that, I love you Cari. Sleep well, tomorrow will be better.