Thoughts 01/05/12

WARNING: This blog is probably going to start getting more and more personal, because I have a lot of emotions I'm feeling as I prepare to go back in for surgery and for some reason(even though I am no writer at all), I feel like writting these feelings out and I think it may even help me feel better. I know that talking about it does the same thing for me, but I also know that everyone I talk to doesnt always want to hear all of it. So, I guess I figure if you dont want to listen to me ramble on, then you dont have to read this!

I was just sitting in the laundry room, folding clothes as I was listening to the talking and laughter coming from the family room. Kyle and Ryan are switching off playing checkers with their dad and Kaylee and Kynlee are happily playing together. Floods of emotions fill my heart. At one momment I am overjoyed. I love my family so much, and laughter and happiness is my favorite thing to hear and feel in my home. I feel like Im frozen in time and I dont want anything to change. I fell like THIS IS IT, NOTHING gets better than this. Yet, then Im quickly reminded. of the upcoming trials and challenges we are all going to be facing again. But for the two little girls its like its their first car accident, somthing new they havent experienced yet. I wish this was something that they didnt have to be around to see and watch. Although, this should be easier on the kids then it was the first time. Bill, Kyle and Ryan had to witness it all first hand.That is still something I wish I could take away from them.

Maybe tonight I was a little more emotional because I read through piles and piles of operative reports and hospital notes today from the first time I had surgery. All of those memories of the difficult things that I had to go through were reminded to me and the thoughts of going through many of the same things again were a little overwhelming. Not that I havent thought of many of those things already, but lucky for me some of the things I had forgotten about. But I think the biggest thing I worry about is that some of this laughter and fun my family is enjoying and experiencing tonight will turn into fear and stress in 5 weeks. I know they are strong, and I know that the things we go through and experience now will shape us to the person we will become. These are the things that make us who we are, at least right now thats the one thing that helps me feel a little bit better.

Sounds like the games are over now and its time to get in bed, Ryan just came in and said, "mom, what ya thinkin' about? I was happy to say, "YOU, Kyle and our family. I really love you guys!!"

This is what I spent way too much time reading today!
See this proof of stacks of papers all from my first accident/surgery! CRAZY!
I had to add a picture, and this is what I could come up with!