Looking back 6 months ago

I cant believe it has been 6 months ago already when my life changed dramatically! Its crazy to think Bill and I were having a great time talking in the car and then BAM, my life changed forever! We just received these pictures from the officer on the scene and for me its been kind of cool to see since I dont remember anything. On the other hand, I know its not as easy for Bill, since these are the images he is trying to get out of his head. This post is a point of reference for me as I write down where I am at in the recovery stage and so hopefully someday I can look back on this and see the progress that has been made.

This is where our car ended up, down in the marshy area

The end of the Juice Press car! I cant believe I was is this car...that my family was in this car and that we all survived! What a miracle! I was sitting on the passenger side, and its so surreal to see and crazy to imagine what had happened. What did the cow do? How did it hit me? Why did I survive? What am I still supposed to do in this life?

This below is my buddy the cow, well part of it anyhow, and Im not sure if I really consider it my buddy!

These are recent pictures of our first visit as a family back to the place where the accident was. As you can see the weeds/grass are really tall. Bill walked along looking for signs of his car. For him it brought back memories, but for me it just a part of a story that explains the daily pain that I go through.

Although, I dont remember the accident itself, I do remember moments in the hospital and little times along the way when someone really made a difference in my life at a moment I really needed it. I know this really did happen to me by the ammounts of pain I am in daily and the hospital bills that are collecting at my house. By now I thought I would be back to normal and honestly its a bit depressing for me that Im not, nor do I think I will be anytime soon.

I have this horrible habit of giving everything I've got in public, and then I come home and crash! Not only that, but I try and live life, as much as I possibly can, the same way I did before the accident. I try to focus on the positivie things in life, all of my blessing etc. and somewhere down that road I create misconceptions. With this, I have learned that people think I am all back to normal, when really Im not even close. Every day is a struggle.

I fight with the effects of my low blood pressure and get frustrated at times when I cant drive for fear I could pass out and cause an accident or something. So, I stay home and feel dizzy there! My head pain seems to be increasing lately. I wish I knew why. My energy levels are so low, and for those of you who know me, know...thats NOT me! I look forward to the days when I can chase my kids around the house and play rough with them again and not worry about what is going to hit my face or passing out! I wish I could look myself in the mirror and just once feel like "dang, I look good today!" Instead lately all I see are my sunken eyes, flaky skin/scalp from scars that just wont heal, and holes in my head where bone is missing. I wish my vision would let me do the things I want to do even when Im tired! I wish I could smell, poop! Yep, thats right, you read it right, I wish I could smell the accidents my little boy seems to be having again, so I could take care of it right away instead of finding it by default and having it dried to his bum! I never understood why we needed to smell these type of things until now! Boy, didI take that for granted before!

Overall, I DO wish I was better, BUT in these times when things get hard or seem like a mountain I can never climb, I remember the MANY miracles all along the way that strengthen me. I am so LUCKY to have my FAMILY, my BABY...I can WALK and TALK, I can be around to watch my kids GROW. I have the things in life that arent just things, I have what really matters!

I try to remember that someday I will be stronger than I am now and I will have enough energy for each new day! I get to see the sun rise each morning, I get to snuggle with my sweetie, I get to kiss my daughters forehead and hold my boys close by...even if its just for a second.

The aftermath of the accident has brought days of hope and faith, stronger than I could have ever imagined and other days of disappointement and discouragement. Honestly, its HARD and somedays are REALLY HARD. it doesnt help that the hospital wants to set us up on a payment plan of $12,800 a MONTH!! I wonder, why do they try to make things harder ouf of a situation that is ALREADY HARD! But all things are for our good...right?

So, 6 months have passed and we keep on going. Time marches on and so do we. Surgeries will start again once my blood pressure gets higher and health insurance cooperates! Until then, I will keep on doing the best I can each and every day and try and remember my many blessings and watch for improvement, no matter how small. Thanks to all of you who support me and help me out in times of need. I dont think I would have made it this far with out you. The biggest thanks to my husband who is my best friend in the whole wide world, the person I can always count on for a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold when I dont think I can do it any more. I love you.