On one hand I cant wait to get this surgery started(I have been waiting for this for a long time) The thought of actually getting out of the constant pain I am in all the time is exciting! Not to mention the lack of antibiotics I will have to take, the way I can wash my face at nights and not cringe with the touch of each screw I rubbed the wrong way. These are a few of the things I am trying to keep my focus on as we get closer to my D day, where my face/body get invaded!
Last week I was driving my kids to my sisters so I could go to the dentist and I was talking to her on the phone. She and I were discussing surgery and it hit me like a ton of bricks that surgery was on 3 weeks away(less now). I all of a sudden found myself overwhelmed with everything I need to accomplish to even be ready for surgery and then everything I am about to go through again. I had to hang up the phone and try and distract my thoughts because I was on the verge of tears. Now was not a time to start crying!
I arrived at the dentist office still trying to hold my emotions back when I get up to the check in counter to see one of my friends(the owner) filling in up front. She of course starts to ask me what my surgery plans are and how things are going in that direction. I carefully try to answer her questions without getting emotional and then I find her fighting back her emotions. I never do well when others around me start crying, its like some girl thing I was born with to start crying back! Obviously, this is still not the time to start crying, so I push back my tears and say, "Sorry Ive got to stop talking about this right now".
I quickly get called back(lucky for me) and then I was surprised out how I couldn't get my mind off of everything. Earlier in the week my husband and I went up to the University of Utah to have our pre op done. While we were there we talked to the anesthesiologist and he talked about the fact that I am having a 14 hour surgery most likely I will wake up in the ICU still intubated. I don't know why I hate that so much, but I do. That happened to me last time and its some weird claustrophobic thing I guess. Another thing on my mind from meeting up there was the discussion about my blood type. Apparently, my blood is more complicated now that I have already had blood transfusions, and the idea that after this surgery its going to be even more complicated(because of more blood transfusions) scares me. It probably didn't help that the night before that a YM in our ward told me how his relative died from a blood transfusion. Awe, the joys in life!
Obviously, I had a rough time at the dentist trying not to cry. I mean, here I am getting my tooth drilled and all I could do was think about everything I had to get done and all that I didn't want to go through. I kept trying to get my focus back on the drilling, but it just wasn't happening for me. As soon as I walked out the door tears came freely flowing down my face. I cried the whole way to my sisters house. As I got closer I told myself that I needed to get a hold of myself and buck up! I have done this before I can do this again! I have to wipe off those tears and go in with a smile on my face(cant stress out the kids).
I get out of the car and out pops my brother from behind the truck! He can see that I am wiping away what I hope to be my last tear, when he notices it and hugs me and I loose it all over again. Its funny because I had been doing pretty well with everything until this day. All throughout the remainder of the day I find myself thinking of all the things I have to go through again. I wish i could just snap my fingers and make it all better. I guess I have more stuff to learn!
I feel so grateful to so many people right now that are willing to help my family out in any way possible. I even have young men and women volunteering. Even though I know I am going to need a lot of help, it is still really hard to accept it. I am a very independent person and I hate having to ask for help.
A lot of people keep asking what is actually happening in this surgery and this is the synopsis. First they are going to go in and remove all of my current plates and screw that are holding my face together. This process may be a little difficult just since I have waited so long to have this surgery, because it will be harder to remove some plates that bone has grown in and on. Although, it should be pretty easy in my forehead since they found that NO bone has grown back in the last 3 yrs(which is really dangerous for me). 2nd they will shave all the bones in my face to find out which ones are dead and which are alive. If they bleed they are alive! 3rd they will clean out my face really good and then 4th they will cut out the sides of my skull(2 layers deep) and put one back on each side of my head and then use the other bone to transplant all over my face where bone is missing. It is scheduled to be a 14 hr surgery where I will spend a few days in the Neuro ICU and then about a week in the hospital. My recovery is going to be pretty rough(like last time) and Im going to be hairless again! Oh the things I have to look forward too! I am interested to hear the results when all is said and done.
No comments:
Post a Comment